


Guardian Prince and Transient Princess

by demonladys



Series: Alchemical Love [3]
Category: BanG Dream! (Anime), BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Coming Out, Established Relationship, F/F, Gen, Gender Dysphoria, Misgendering, Non-binary character, Other, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, Transphobia, deadnaming, gender questioning, trans headcanon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-03
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 03:22:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 20,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22996882
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demonladys/pseuds/demonladys
Summary: In spite of all the reluctance, self-doubt, and regret that plagued their mind, Misaki was certain about one thing: they couldn't leave Kanon's side.
Relationships: Matsubara Kanon/Okusawa Misaki
Series: Alchemical Love [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1576381
Comments: 43
Kudos: 68





	1. Princess in Exile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: transphobia, anxiety  
> nb!misaki (they/them) and trans!kanon. this fic will be ongoing and cover several different aspects of trans experiences that misaki and kanon are bound to encounter. please enjoy.
> 
> comment moderation enabled to dissuade transphobes.  
> (side note: i've organized this into a series alongside my other trans bandori fics, but you don't need to read the other parts to read this.)

A sunlit garden cafe sparkled in the late spring afternoon, the scent of honey and milk danced through the air. Misaki’s nose was finally getting used to it after spending so much time around Kanon, who was directly across from them anxiously pouring sweetener into her teacup. Misaki stirred the contents of their own cup without much thought, fixated more on the light’s stain across Kanon’s unsettled face.

“Well, that went about as well as it could have,” they said, pulling the cap off their head and setting it aside on the glass table.

“Y-you think so? Fuee...” Kanon murmured.

It had only been a mere hour or so since the pair had attempted to broach the subject of ‘gender identity’ with the three dummies, but the whole ordeal had been so exhausting that it felt like they’d been at it since sunrise. “Yeah. I mean, it wasn’t great. It was kind of annoying, actually, but it could’ve gone worse.”

Kanon took her glass and lifted it to her lips, steam rose to cover her face. When she set it back down her eyes had calmed slightly and her hands weren’t shaking, though she still looked like she might cry. “I guess so. I-I can’t help but worry they were only pretending to accept me.”

“Those three dummies? I really doubt it. They’re clueless, but I don’t think they’re even capable of malice.” Steam arose from their cup, but they still weren’t too interested in drinking it. Regardless, they gave in and lifted it to their mouth, taking a sip just small enough not to scorch their tongue. It was still hot, and its aftertaste was much sweeter than anticipated. “Kaoru was still calling you ‘princess’ and ‘kitten’ and doing her usual routine by the end. She wouldn’t have done that if she didn’t think you were a pretty girl, right…?”

Her solemn eyes remained burdened. Even though Misaki knew her pain to some degree, they could barely fathom the extent of it. Hell, they still had yet to accept their own lingering wounds.

“We knew Kokoro wouldn’t understand, but it didn’t seem like she thought any less of you. That’s just how Kokoro is.” They sighed. Being able to read the emotions of the most notorious weirdo at Hanasakigawa was one of the many unexpected perks that came with being part of Hello, Happy World. “But that’s not why you’re worried, right?”

“Well, that’s part of it.” Kanon continued sipping tea, her glass was half-empty next time she placed it on the table. “You’re right though. That look of dismay on Hagumi’s face… she must really hate me.”

Misaki hadn’t actually paid much attention to their faces. They were too focused on Kanon, and doing whatever they could to keep Kanon from melting down mid-sentence -- holding tight onto her hand, whispering ‘it’s okay’ into her ear. “I don’t think it was hatred or disgust. She must’ve been really confused -- I don’t think she understood that she said something hurtful.”

A serene breeze swept across the garden, and Kanon’s beautiful hair flowed like a river. She was a wave crashing against the seashore. “Maybe I’m overthinking things.”

“N-no way, I see where you’re coming from. She asked a bunch of weird questions and it’s no surprise you’d feel violated? I really didn’t expect her to push so hard.” Hagumi’s questions rang back through their mind, but it was impossible to remember just one when there were so many.

“Hmm…” Kanon stared into the abyss inside her cup. By now the steam had dissipated, leaving room for her reflection against the surface. “Now that I think about it, you asked a lot of questions when I came out to you, too, Misaki.”

Misaki jumped back in their seat and nabbed their cap, hiding their face behind it. “A-ah, did I? Sorry… W-was I too invasive?”

Kanon giggled, her smile finally peeking through for the first time in hours. “It’s okay. I was overwhelmed at the time, but now I know why you were so curious. I hope I was able to help you in some way.”

“You did. Probably more than I ever could’ve asked you to…” They lowered their cap and let a shy smile slip through. It was true, they may have never figured out why they felt so weird about ‘being a girl’ had it not been for Kanon’s own insights. “Wait, you don’t think…?”

Kanon shrugged. “It’s possible."

Just as Misaki placed their fingers on the cup's handle, a sudden voice addressed both of them. "Hello girls," Chisato said before pausing to correct herself. "Er, excuse me, Misaki. I’m still getting used to this.”

D-did she need to make it awkward? “I-it’s fine.” Well, it wasn’t  _ fine _ but they at least appreciated the effort.

“MInd if we join you?” she asked, with Aya trailing right behind her. Misaki and Kanon nodded, and the two joined them on both sides, pouring a cup of tea each from the kettle in the table’s center. 

There was suddenly an overwhelming aura of elegance and grace emanating through the garden, the three girls giggling and chatting on both sides. Like three beautiful flowers each blooming in the sunlight. Their combined femininity was too much. Misaki, on the other hand, felt out of place beside them. They were more of a tree, or maybe a fungus…? “S-should I leave?” they mumbled to themself.

Chisato overheard, her lips formed a coy smirk. “Why, Misaki, I thought a handsome gem such as yourself would be delighted to have three beautiful ladies all to yourself? Is that not the case?” She even included a sly giggle to punctuate it.

They pointed to themself, echoing, “Handsome gem…? No way, no way.” They crossed their arms and tried to cover their blushing face. But from beyond, they could see Chisato’s eyebrows raised in amusement. T-this was torture.

“I’m not lying though. You are quite handsome, Misaki. Like Kao would be if she’d drop that obnoxious act.” Despite her insincere smile, her words were coated in a certain sweetness. Something about this didn’t sit right with Misaki, but that may have just been a barrier of modesty blocking compliments like that out.

“Oh, Chisato!” Kanon interrupted. “Remember how I told you I was gonna come out to the other three?”

“Yes. Did you?”

“Yeah, just today… Misaki helped me.” As her eyes glanced in their direction, they noticed a glint in them. Was it gratitude?

“Aw, that’s so sweet!” Aya shouted.

Chisato simply nodded calmly and said, “I see. I’m proud of you, Kanon. And you as well, Misaki.” She glanced toward them again. This was really starting to get nerve-wracking. Not that they cared that a celebrity was looking at them or anything -- no, it was because Chisato was not the kind of girl they wanted staring at them intently. Sometimes they wondered if being around dummies so often made them more susceptible to someone as clever as her.

“So, how did it go?” Aya asked, her face leaning in with a curious stare. “Were they supportive?”

Misaki took a deep breath, cleared their throat, and prepared to recount that stressful series of events in detail. “Well…”

* * *

About an hour and a half ago at the Tsurumaki manor dining hall, the band’s usual meeting room. It was as excessively large and overly decorated as it always was, fancy chandeliers hung from the ceiling like it was no one’s business and there had to be at least five massive family portraits scattered throughout the walls. This place had no right feeling so claustrophobic, yet somehow it managed. Maybe that was just the oppressive force of the money put into every corner of the room? Or maybe they were overthinking it. The three dummies sat on each side of the table, with Misaki and Kanon together at the end closest to them.

“S-so basically…” Kanon was beyond nervous. Like, Misaki was holding onto her with both arms and could feel the vibration in her voice. She promised she’d be brave, and they promised they’d stick by her. But they wouldn’t hold it against her if she backed down now. Nobody would’ve held it against her. “I’m t-t-tra… err, I…” She was even more of a stuttering mess than usual, but it was her turn to speak. All they could do was encourage her, silent. “Since we’re friends, I thought you should know th-that I’m actually… I only became a girl a few years ago… Fuee…”

The trio’s response was three puzzled faces and an awkward silence. Misaki could feel her grow even shakier. She buried her head, ‘til Misaki looked her in the eye and whispered, “I’m right here.”

Another burst of energy hit, and she started again. “W-what I mean to say is, I used to look like a boy… ah, I don’t mean like Hagumi, though! I mean… I was a boy. Or, I thought I was…” The confidence in her eyes began to wither again, as she looked more and more desperate with each word. “Misaki, help… Please…” she whispered.

_ “Ah. Here goes nothing…”  _ They didn’t really plan that much, so they doubted they could do any better a job at explaining. But they couldn’t say no to Kanon’s distressed clinging. “Um, basically what Kanon is trying to say is that she used to live as a boy, but since before you all met her she’s been transitioning into living as a girl. And she was hoping you’d all support her since we’re all friends and bandmates and stuff.”

“Hmm?” Kokoro tilted her head with a look of perplexion and one of her usual inattentive smiles. “I don’t get it. Kanon is a girl, right?”

“Y-yeah, but she wasn’t always. Or something...” They felt obligated to turn to Kanon and mouth “sorry” as quietly as they could.

Kaoru raised her eyebrows, it almost looked like a lightbulb went off in her head but you can never really tell when it comes to the idiot prince. “Ah, I understand. To be a princess forced into the life of an unwilling knight could only bring one down into the pit of despair. And yet this princess found her way out… And wishes to reclaim her rightful role on the stage of life. How fleeting!” Her words were about as obtuse as MIsaki expected, paired with typical dramatic Kaoru poses. Did she really get it? That sounded almost accurate, yet completely irrelevant? What the hell was she even talking about?

“Wait…” Hagumi leaned forward, her face in dismay and her hands flailing about. “So Kano was a boy?”

Kanon nodded.

“But now Kano is a girl?”

She nodded again.

“How did she do that?”

Kanon spoke again, seeming a bit calmer than when she was fumbling for words before. “I-I mean, it’s a slow process. First I had to figure out what I wanted. Then I had to tell my parents, and they weren’t really happy about it…” Misaki could see the tears taking shape in the corners of her eyes. “And since then I’ve had to change how I dress and how I speak.”

Hagumi stood against the mahogany table’s edge. “B-but… How can you be a boy if you’re a girl?”

“E-eh?!” Kanon jumped back.

“I don’t get it! Kano looks like a girl, but you’re telling me she’s a boy?”

“That’s not it, Hagumi,” MIsaki intervened, shooting a stern gaze in her direction. “Kanon is a girl. Through and through.”

Hagumi’s demeanor just grew more puzzled, more distressed. “So if Kano is a girl, but was a boy, what does that mean? Is she a prince, like Kaoru?”

“Ah, Hagumi, my dear kitten. You are mistaken.” Kaoru posed dramatically, as if entering the stage for a musical number. “It is not that she is a prince. Truly, anyone may become a beautiful princess if they so desire. And for our lovely little kitten Kanon… it is but that.” Misaki  _ really _ couldn’t tell if she was helping or not. It was safe to assume she had no idea what she was saying, but if it helped sway Hagumi, they couldn’t just ignore that.

“So she was a boy, but she’s not a boy? I don’t understand!” She turned her attention toward Kokoro, who was humming to herself, completely tuned out. “Kokoro, do you know what it means?”

“Nope! I mean, we’re all girls here, right?”

Misaki felt a sudden gut reaction and grew defensive on knee-jerk. “Um, well, I’m not a girl technically. But I guess I’m adjacent to a girl, but not exactly one. So it’s different, but-” They bit their tongue, realizing that trying to explain their own situation would only leave the dummies even more confused than they already were. Shadows crept into the dining hall as a cloud blocked out the sun beyond the window. This was going nowhere fast, and it was time to improvise. Maybe Hagumi could get it as a sports metaphor? “I mean, it’s like if your parents made you play baseball, and they dressed you up in a baseball uniform and brought you to baseball practice for years. But all that time, you wanted to play softball instead. So you transfer, but you still gotta get new equipment and a new uniform if you want people to know you’re a softball player, right?”

Hagumi stood still for a minute or so, until she jumped in the air and yelled, “Oh!”

“D-does that make sense…?”

“Yeah! But…” Welp, there was more. They started to wonder if this was ever gonna end. “But what if you wanted to play baseball, but you could only play softball? Or what if you wanted to play both?”

“F-fuee…” Kanon’s eyes grew restless, and her skin seemed paler now. Misaki held tight onto her hand, but no use. She was clearly exhausted from all of this, and they didn’t want to drag it on any longer with their girlfriend at her limit.

“Um, sorry, I don’t know how to answer that. And I think we need to get going.” They gently tugged on Kanon’s wrist, and Kanon nodded. They stood up together and made their way toward the hall. “Uh, sorry to leave on such short notice. We can pick this up later, I guess…?” They waved, so Kokoro and Kaoru waved back, but Hagumi was still grabbing onto her own head as if she was stuck on an impossible question on an exam.

They rushed down the hall to the nearest bathroom, and once inside, Kanon’s tears poured out like a waterfall into a basin. Misaki made sure the door was locked before gazing at the splendor of an absurdly over-decorated bathroom -- the sink mirror was framed in gold, the faucet pure platinum. And Kanon’s teardrops became like diamonds as they stained the tiled floor. Her wails were subdued, yet still echoed off the bathroom’s walls.

“It’s okay,” Misaki whispered as they held their arms around Kanon. Kanon’s fingers twisted a tight knot onto Misaki’s t-shirt, to the point where the collar was digging into their skin. They couldn’t do much but keep holding on. They kept on whispering, “It’s okay. It’s okay, Kanon. I’m here. It’s okay.” They glanced toward the mirror, and staring back was their own reflection holding onto Kanon’s. And for some reason, they felt as if shards of glass penetrated their stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've actually had this chapter written for two months but haven't had the drive to work on it again. i wanted to finally post it though so i could pressure myself into getting back to it, i didn't want it to just be left untouched with how much i had planned out. though i've got a sizeable outline, updates might be slow and inconsistent. thanks for reading.
> 
> (side note: remind me to come up with a better fic summary)


	2. The Tragedy of Misaki

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misaki recounts an important step of her journey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally getting out of my slump woohoo. i got a bit experimental with POV here -- part of the chapter is written in first person but hopefully it feels like it makes sense. probably won't become a regular thing, just felt fitting for the chapter?  
> nb!misaki and trans girl!kanon.

Hydrangeas bloomed in the secluded garden as a meeting took place. A full tea kettle rested between Misaki and Maya, untouched. Neither were that interested in drinking any right now, so it was little more than a decorative piece for the table. Maya jotted something down on a notepad, though it was too small for Misaki to read.

“Sorry for calling you out on such short notice. I had some questions I wanted to ask, if you don’t mind, huhehe...” They couldn’t quite put their finger on it, but Maya seemed a bit more nervous than usual today.

“Don’t worry about it. What’s up?”

“Well, uh! Some of these questions might get a bit personal, is the thing. So don’t feel pressured to answer everything.”

“Oh?” Misaki raised one eyebrow, intrigued.

Maya leaned in, pen in hand and eyes down, and whispered, “What is it like to be non-binary?”

“Ah.” That explained the nervous aura. “I mean, I don’t know if I’m the best person to ask about that, really. It’s still pretty new to me.”

“Well, one of my bandmates is non-binary, but it’s pretty difficult to get straightforward answers from her.”

Misaki leaned back in their chair and slipped out a quiet chuckle. It was pretty easy to figure out who she meant. “Man, there really are way more of us than I thought.” Blue sky above captivated their gaze, they took a moment to reflect. What IS it like to be non-binary? They’d asked themself before, but never really reached a clear conclusion. “I don’t really know how to answer that though. Like, how is it different than being a woman?”

Maya nodded.

“Well, I guess it’s like… something was off about me before? Like, I was sorta me but sorta not. Or I guess I was me, but I was carrying around some cardboard cutout that wasn’t me and sometimes people saw that instead of me and I hated it. I guess when I didn’t know what it was, it was like… When the minute hand on a clock is just a little too slow?”

As Misaki spoke, they noticed Maya’s furious pen strokes against her notepad. “Ah, so you mean like when your drums are out of tune just barely enough for you to notice, and nobody else seems to think there’s anything wrong?”

“Yeah, exactly like that.” Misaki leaned their elbow against the glass and pressed their palm to their cheek. “Why are you so curious, if you don’t mind me asking?”

“Ah, I should’ve clarified! We’ve been preparing for a new original play with the drama club, and Kaoru suggested something interesting the other day. How did she put it…” Maya cleared her throat, then mimicked Kaoru’s signature pose and dramatic mannerisms. “‘A tale of love that defies order, for this princess must act as her own prince. Ah, how fleeting!’ Anyway! I figured she wanted to do something about people living with subversive identities? The other girls seemed pretty on board with it!”

“Uh-huh…” God, can Kaoru ever just be straightforward about these things? They wanted to know, now even more than ever, what was going on in that idiot’s head.

“A lot of us there are gay -- you know how theater kids tend to be, huhehe! But I wanted to do a bit more research, y’know?”

“So this part was your idea.” Misaki forced a smile, though it wasn’t for lack of appreciation. This situation was just all the more awkward knowing what led here. “That’s very considerate of you.”

“T-thanks!” She swatted the air, trying to deflect the praise away like a housefly. “Anyway, next question. How did you figure out you were non-binary?”

“Hmm…” Misaki placed their hand over their lips and tried to jog their memory. “It’s kinda complicated? I wouldn’t say there was like, an exact epiphany moment or anything like that. It was more of a gradual thing? Like, I’m still kind of in the process of trying new things and figuring out what the hell I’m supposed to be. I guess there were pivotal moments that led me here. Or like, I can remember one night that was probably the first time I actually started thinking about that sort of thing.”

Maya’s pen scribbled faster than Misaki could even speak. It was kind of nerve-wracking, made it harder to concentrate on remembering the little details.

“This is all confidential, right?”

“Mhm,” Maya nodded.

“In that case,” their mind drifted toward the day things began to change. One they swore they’d never forget “There’s this girl I’m close with -- I asked if she wanted to spend Christmas together. She said yes, and it was mostly a normal day with her. Well, it was a date, but I didn’t think about that until afterwards. But right before we parted ways for the night, she… well, she told me something that I didn’t expect.”

* * *

That night, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Everytime I let my thoughts wander in silence, her whispered words echoed in my ear.

_“U-um, Misaki… There’s something you should know about me. I was born- err, raised as a boy.“_

I wasn’t sure how to react, so I feigned surprise. I didn’t really know what it meant, so I looked it up on my phone after we’d parted ways. Really, it wasn’t a big deal to me? It didn’t change my feelings. “Huh, so those people exist, too,” is all I can remember thinking at first. It didn’t even hit that she meant that she herself was like that until after I got home.

But when I got home, it hit like a truck carrying a special delivery, just for me. I remember vividly. I was in the bathroom right across the hall from my bedroom, bent over the sink and washing my face off. I lifted my head and saw myself in the mirror. But it didn’t feel like me looking back. I wiped a washcloth across my cheeks. “Why?” It kept echoing in my mind, louder than droplets falling from the faucet. Why did she tell me?

I stared into the mirror -- hair soggy and dripping, face flushed, wearing a black tank top and a gloomy expression. Who was that? All this time, I assumed the image in the mirror was just me. But she was unfamiliar, strange. It wasn’t because of earlier, was it? In the bathroom’s terrifying pale light, I didn’t know anymore. I swore I wasn’t upset with her, really. I guess I felt guilty, though. I could’ve reacted better if I had realized what she meant. But my head was starting to hurt so bad that I could hear the buzzing of lightbulbs around me. Why? I placed my hand against the glass and left a print across. There was a disconnect between the body I inhabited and the portrait gazing back. “ _Has this always been here?”_ I wondered to myself.

I stepped back and bumped against the door by accident, the back of my head pounded as it collided with the wood. Maybe I was reading too deep into this. It was the first time I’d heard of someone being a gender they weren’t born with. Culture shock, sure. That’s what it was, I figured. No reason to overreact. I pressed my fingers against the bottom of my forehead and rubbed down onto it, hoping to push the migraine out. I tried imagining the person staring back was just Michelle, but that made things even more confusing. Okay, let’s not do that. I pressed harder. No more thinking about this.

...At least, that’s what I told myself as I sunk into my bed. I tried thinking about New Years plans and when our next concert would be. I tried going over details in my head about what sort of gifts I’d get the others for New Years. But my mind kept flinging me back to thoughts about her. Like, she’s in the band so of course she’d come up. So I stupidly pulled out my phone and started messaging her. [hey. are you around? sorry about earlier.] I… There were questions I had but I didn’t know how to ask them. All I could do was lie there, blinking as I awaited for any sort of reply. 

Five minutes passed, and nothing. It felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown and I had no clue why. 

Ten minutes, she still hadn’t responded. Seconds passed like hours and I couldn’t hear my own breaths amongst the noise of my thoughts. I got up to look in the mirror again, wading through the mess of clothes and boxes scattered across my bedroom floor. What a mess. And I saw that girl -- my reflection -- staring back again. Her eyes looked so desperate, like she wanted something so badly and wasn’t sure she could have it, or what it even was. “Oh god,” I said aloud without even thinking. “Am I in love?” It hadn’t even crossed my mind, but I’d asked to spend Christmas with her and we basically spent the whole day acting like a couple. Oh. OH! It finally dawned on me why she confessed that secret now. But something still didn’t seem right. I blinked, and the image in the mirror changed. The girl’s face was the same, but she held a bright blue wig in her arms and wore a long flowing dress like the sky. At that point, I just let myself collapse back into bed because I did not have the energy to deal with whatever the hell my brain was doing to me.

Finally, I heard my phone buzz. Thank god. It was her. [umm it’s okay. actually...] read the first text. [would you mind calling me?] came next. 

Like a total idiot, I stared at that message for a good two minutes before what it said even registered to me. I was… so out of it. But without realizing, I had already hit the call button. It rang once. Twice. Then I heard her voice. “M-Misaki!”

“Y… yeah. I’m here,” I answered.

“You really didn’t do anything wrong… Sorry for startling you like that.”

I bit my lip. Why was _she_ the one apologizing now? “No, no. It’s no problem at all. Um…”

“Hm?” I couldn’t tell if she hadn’t heard me or if she was just prompting me to continue, but my mind was so all over the place that I had no time to even think about it.

“I actually, if you don’t mind, had a couple questions about it? Like… You don’t have to answer any of them! I just wanna try to understand this better is all.” For her sake, I told myself. I wanted to understand.

“A-ah! Um, sure. I can try at least.”

I took a deep breath in, then tried to pick up enough of my thoughts to formulate a coherent sentence. I let all the wind out and asked, “How does it work?”

“How do you mean?”

“Like…” I fumbled my words again, but managed to pick them up. “You said you were raised as a boy, right? I-I’m guessing that wasn’t your choice if you’re a girl now?”

“Oh…” The hesitation in her voice was painful to listen to. I know I wasn’t the one hurting, but I could still feel it digging into my skin. “I mean, I didn’t actually realize I was a girl until middle school. I had to figure it out myself.”

“O-oh yeah?” There was a pain in my chest that hurt beyond anything physical. Trying to imagine how hard that must have been for her, I was left paralysed.

“Yeah… I mean I was, um, born as a b-boy. But I don’t…” My hands grew shaky with each word. I was sweating buckets and could barely keep myself from dropping the phone. My free hand clutched the blankets beneath me looking for some kind of safety net. “Chisato said not to think of myself like that because she knows it makes me feel awful. So I try not to say it that way. S-sorry if it was confusing! Fuee...”

I felt my pulse beating rapidly. I took a deep breath in again, then released. My chest would not keep calm for even a second, despite my efforts. I don’t even know what pushed the words out of my throat because I sure as hell was trying to keep them in. “What did it feel like before you knew?”

“I’m n-not really sure how to describe it… I’ve heard some people say they always knew something was wrong with them, but it wasn’t like that for me. I just… When I was younger, I really admired girls. I guess someday i-it just clicked that I wanted to be one, too, more than anything else in the world. I know that’s a probably stupid reason, but…” I wanted to shout. Help her realize it wasn’t stupid at all. But I didn’t have the strength anymore. “I felt like I was more whole when I started changing. F-fuee, I-I got a little off track there…”

‘Whole’ she said. It didn’t hit right away. Probably not until a few days after that call. I think that’s what really made me wonder: was I… whole? I responded, “Don’t worry. Thanks for answering my questions.” My heart was thumping. She was being so honest and so vulnerable with me, and even though she couldn’t see it, my face was burning up in flames. 

We kept talking for a while about little things; if she had told anyone else (no one besides Chisato), if her parents were weird about it (at first yeah but I guess they mellowed out), if she needed anyone to talk to about stuff (I told her she could always talk to me no matter what). But I swear the heaviness in my chest would not let up that whole time. Before I knew it, it was well past midnight and my body started forcing my eyes shut. 

“W-well, thanks again for today, Misaki! Goodnight!” I hadn’t said I was sleeping yet, but she probably heard the exhaustion in my voice.

“Wait!” I yelped, completely on impulse.

“Huh?”

It was like I could _feel_ the blood flowing through my veins. Even as my muscles gave out, adrenaline alone kept me awake and forced the words from my lips. “K-Kanon. Uh, I should really ask this in-person but I know if I don’t say it now I’m gonna be kicking myself in the morning. So… Will you go out with me?”

“E-eh?! Um… M-Misaki…” Is there a word for being wide awake from anxiety and fast asleep from fatigue simultaneously? I’m pretty sure that’s the only way to describe the moments between when I heard her voice from the other end. “I-I thought today… since it was Christmas… and...” 

Dammit. _“Idiot, idiot, idiot,”_ I thought to myself, waiting as she stumbled over her words.

“Ah!” she let out the cutest, quietest shout I’d ever heard. “Yes, Misaki. I’d love to.”

“T-thanks. Goodnight...” My consciousness had already faded to the soothing sound of her giggles before I could hear a response. I don’t know if she realizes it now or not, but she really did change my life that day. Neither of us felt it right away, but I don’t think I would’ve gotten here on my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> special thanks to @silversilky for input on this chapter and also @DivineNoodles whose misaki fic got me energized about my own bandori fics again!


	3. Ash Showers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The air is unusually tense during Hello, Happy World's band practice, and Misaki's got a feeling about why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trying to get back into the swing of writing regularly and what better way to do that than by finally going through with fic plans from half a year ago?  
> trans girl!kanon, nb!misaki. no major CWs this time, just some gender questioning thoughts & feelings.

Circle’s practice studios weren’t that small, but they sure as hell feet a lot smaller when you’re stuck inside an oversized mascot suit while simultaneously trying to manage the turntables. It’d been about a year now, right? So Misaki was used to that enclosed, uncomfortable sensation that used to overwhelm them within the walls during practice sessions. Occasionally though, that mild claustrophobia would return and consume them, making them really, really wish they weren’t stuck inside Michelle all the time. _“Come on, Misaki,”_ they tried to motivate themself while spinning records with their stubby paws. _“You know how to do this by now.”_

It wasn’t because of the suit itself. Sure, it was dark and cramped from inside, but they had just enough room to breathe and see out of. No, it was the whole aura surrounding the rest of the band that was really overwhelming. Nobody seemed willing to say a word to one another, especially not Kanon or Hagumi. It was such a stark contrast to the often hectic practice sessions Misaki was used to that usually consisted of both playing music and practicing their comedy routine. Instead, they could hear themself think peacefully. They never realized they’d miss the noise this much.

“Hm?” Kokoro, the liveliest of the bunch, seemed perplexed more than anything. The air was thick with a sour sensation lingering between everyone, and Kokoro must’ve been totally clueless. She looked upon her bandmates with a curious, almost bewildered gaze. “Why is nobody smiling?”

Misaki knew why, of course. It’d only been three days since the incident at Tsurumaki manor. Kanon hadn’t stopped fretting over the others’ reactions, and there had to be something on Hagumi’s mind, too. Why else would she be so quiet? They wanted to intervene, but running through all the scenarios in their head just led them to worry about how things could go wrong. They didn’t want to see anyone getting hurt at this point, especially not Kanon -- they feared that what they say might just make things even worse for the girl they love.

Kaoru strikes a dramatic pose in response, with the back of one hand against her forehead as if simulating distress. “Fret not, dear Kokoro. We are fast approaching the rainy season -- ‘tis only natural to let expressions turn gloomy so that they can once again shine bright in the summer. For the rain is as fleeting as the sun…” She was of course completely off-base. Err… wait, actually, maybe wasn’t? If what Maya had said was true, Misaki considered that maybe Kaoru was actually trying to cover for Kanon? It seemed a bit far-fetched, but to be fair, unpredictability is what those three dummies did best.

And speaking of unpredictable, Hagumi’s silence was near deafening. Nobody was in sync during any songs, but Misaki noticed the slow and heavy movements in Hagumi’s arms and figured she might’ve just been faking playing. Did she think nobody would notice? Normally it fell on Misaki, or rather Michelle to point out performance errors, but today they just didn’t have the heart. Meanwhile, Kanon’s drumming seemed almost spontaneous and directionless, as if she didn’t know what song she was on and was just trying to keep up as much as she could. This might’ve been the saddest band practice Misaki had ever sat through, and it reached a point where they weren’t even trying either. They had the whole hour reserved, but what was even the point right now?

Within twenty minutes, even Kokoro’s enormous effervescence dwindled to the point where it couldn’t reach anyone around her. Misaki never thought they’d see the day when Kokoro Tsurumaki ran out of energy. They kinda felt bad for her? Poor girl didn’t even know what was wrong with her friends, but she wasn’t the best when it came to words or understanding people most of the time. This wasn’t Kokoro’s problem to solve, either. Misaki was done trying to avoid the inevitable and addressed everyone in-character, “Hey hey friends~ Michelle had a busy busy day earlier and she’s feeling wiped out, so we ought to wrap things up early if that’s okay~!”

Kokoro stood motionless, silent for half a minute before answering, “O-oh? Well, if Michelle says so…” Everything about the image of a still, hesitant Kokoro seemed so wrong.

The others started packing up with an uncomfortable haste. Nobody wanted to be here, in spite of how often this was a place of joy for Kanon and Hagumi both. Still wiggling around inside Michelle’s fur, Misaki made their way to the exit so they could get changed into their regular clothing. Suddenly though, they noticed the suit stop following their motions as if they were caught on something big. As soon as they could get Michelle’s head to follow the downward snap of their neck, they found out what exactly was holding them back: Hagumi, with her face buried deep into Michelle’s tummy and her arms latched tight around the torso. _“Shit.”_ They did their best to swing the head around, seeking anyone else who might help them out. Kaoru and Kokoro were already gone, and Kanon was standing there in the doorway watching this scene unfold. They wanted to call out for help. They tried, but immediately bit their tongue. It clicked as Hagumi desperately clinged onto the mascot’s fluffy stomach that maybe she wanted to talk to Michelle. And since they were Michelle, that meant they had to listen.

“Hey there Hagumi~! Is something bothering you?” They were careful not to break character. It only felt proper, despite how silly it was to have to pretend to be a cartoon bear.

“Michelle… I’m sad,” she cried softly into the bear’s fur, her voice echoing through the fursuit’s interior.

When Misaki got another chance to scan the room, Kanon had vanished as well. Just themself and Hagumi. They had no clue if this was a worst or best case scenario, so they tried to just play it by ear. “Aw, what’s wrong friend? Maybe your pal Michelle can help!”

Hagumi’s arms rustled against Michelle and her voice got a little further away, indicated by the softer vibration this time. “I’m not sure I should say. Michelle might think I’m weird or gross.”

The melody in Misaki’s heart felt a little off-key. They were _definitely_ not prepared to have this conversation. Hell, were they even qualified to have it? No, no way… But for some reason, it felt like this is what they needed to do. For Kanon’s sake, too. How did they always end up being the one to solve problems? They shook Hagumi off and knelt down on one knee, causing Michelle’s own legs to bend back just barely enough to emulate the motion. Hagumi gazed at Michelle’s face, and Misaki met with her, eye-to-eye. “Hey, I’d never think that of a friend! You can tell me anything, and I won’t judge you one bit~.”

Suddenly Hagumi seemed a little less shaky. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath in. “Michelle, do you know about Kano?”

A chill ran across Misaki’s skin within the suit. “A-about Kanon? What about her?” Not that they hadn’t already figured out, but gotta stay in-character. No matter how much they wanted to break it at the sound of their girlfriend’s name.

“W-well, the other day, she said something strange. I didn’t understand, but Kaoru explained it to me later. She told us that she was a boy before, but she didn’t want to be a boy, so she’s a girl?”

They were.. a bit surprised. Not the most sensitive summary of it, but fairly accurate? Jeez, now they _really_ wanted to know what Kaoru was up to. Somehow it seemed like she understood everything the pair had revealed the other day but she sure didn’t make that clear. “Oh~? Now that you mention it, I think Kanon told me something like that a few days ago, too!” It grew more difficult to keep the facade up when they had to fabricate lore on the spot.

“Oh! Well, um… I was thinking, if she’s a girl, she doesn’t have to be a boy! That’s so cool! But… does it go the other way?”

“Eh?” They felt every muscle in their body freeze on the spot, which especially doesn’t help when they’re trying to maneuver inside a mascot. Suddenly their pulse sped up tenfold and there was a familiar taste lingering inside their mouth, like a thought on the tip of their tongue.

“If I didn’t want to be a girl, could I be a boy? N-not that I don’t want to be a girl! Oh, but Michelle said she’d be my friend no matter what…” Now her eyes were avoiding Michelle’s unmoving gaze and rolling around in circles as if trying to solve a puzzle painted on the studio’s walls. Or more accurately, a puzzle within her own mind? “S-sometimes I love being a girl! I like wearing skirts and playing softball with the other girls and having fun with all my friends at Hanasakigawa! B-but…” Her tone grew solemn, or maybe, shameful. What she was about to say carried an immense guilt alongside it. “But sometimes, I really hate being a girl.”

Misaki couldn’t even answer. They were petrified -- not by surprise from Hagumi’s feelings. No, not that at all. It was the shock of hearing those words from another’s mouth that really got to them. C-could they be more like this dummy than they imagined? Their throat was dry and their head felt foggy, but they knew this was the worst time to just leave Hagumi hanging. “W-well! If you hate being a girl, you don’t have to be one~!” Their mask was crumbling apart with each word, but they tried to stay cheery in spite of the overwhelming echoes plaguing their mind.

“Really?! But I mean…” Uncertainty crept into Hagumi’s demeanor as she struggled to find the right words. “I don’t know if I want to stop being a girl? I really like some things about it!”

They spit out the first thing that came to mind as they tried to recall the particular term Kanon had taught them. “I-is that so? Then maybe you can be a girl sometimes, and a boy other times! Or maybe something else entirely!” Hagumi was describing something real and they _swear_ they had heard the word for it before but of course now of all times they were blanking on it. Gender… something? Not genderrotating, right? That sounded too stupid to be it. Fuck. If Kanon were here, maybe she’d know. She was much better equipped to handle this kind of thing. They felt useless at this point -- it felt like the mascot suit was caving in on them.

“Something else? Oh, you mean like what Mii was talking about? About how she’s like a girl but isn’t a girl? Kaoru tried to explain that to me, too. I didn’t really get it though. B-but if Mii is like that, I guess maybe I could be too?!” Her hands pulled at her hair as if trying to dig something out from inside her head. “I-I don’t know! Hagumi is… confused…” It seemed she was on the edge of an epiphany, but just couldn’t quite reach it.

Misaki didn’t want to try explaining the intricacies of non-binary identities which they admittedly barely knew anything about beyond themself anyway, so this was where they threw in the towel. Michelle’s suit grew heavier and heavier as they tried to keep their composure, and it wasn’t happening. “Listen, Hagumi,” they spoke as Misaki once more. “I can’t answer all of these questions for you. Identity is confusing as hell, and even if you have your friends’ help, you have to reach your conclusions for yourself. The best we can do is be there for you the whole way.”

Hagumi tilted her head, as if Misaki had missed the mark. “Identity?”

“Y-yeah…” How they hell were they supposed to clarify such a nebulous concept? Actually… a sudden idea sprang into their head and they lifted their arms as high as possible. Pressing them in, they had a hold on Michelle’s head and were ready to let it loose. “Sometimes, there’s another you inside your heart. You may not even know about them, but they’re waiting for you to find them. Like this!” They popped Michelle’s head off of their neck as gently as they could manage, which was not very gentle at all. “Ta-da…!”

“Mii!” Next came an unexpected hug-tackle from a reinvigorated Hagumi, much to Misaki’s shock.

They felt the rest of their suit tip over and fall backwards, which caused them to hit their head against the studio floor. Ow! Thankfully it wasn’t severe or anything, and they managed to squirm their way out of Michelle’s body. Finally, fresh air. They might’ve been a little more self-conscious about being in the middle of a studio wearing only a dark tank-top and sweatpants if that weren’t the least of their concerns right now. Hagumi came rushing over to their side and threw her arms around their stomach. A little bit bewildered, Misaki returned Hagumi’s hug in kind.

“A-are you sure I’m not weird?”

Misaki couldn’t hold in a chuckle as their pulse started slowing back to what seemed like normal. “Aha, I mean, you’re pretty weird sometimes. But this is honestly normal by comparison.”

Hagumi backed away, still seemingly apprehensive. Her uncertainty was plain as day, but she seemed much more like her regular self than she had in the past couple days. Maybe because she was one step closer to her answer.

“I’m still figuring myself out, too. It’s fine to not know these things yet, Hagumi. I mean, if I had never met Kanon, I don’t know if I’d have realized I wasn’t a girl.” Ah… now that they thought about it, there was still some unfinished business between those two. “Actually, speaking of Kanon, you might want to tell her about this stuff. She’s… I think she’s afraid you might hate her.”

Hagumi’s expression turned from one of confusion and remorse to a different kind of confusion and a different kind of remorse. “Huh?! I could never hate Kano! Why would she think that?”

“The other day, what you said might’ve been a little insensitive. She got anxious and that’s why we had to leave.”

“Oh…” Hagumi’s eyes shut. She kicked at the floorboards, suddenly aware of some lingering guilt she’d seemingly suppressed.

“Just tell her what you told me- err, what you told Michelle, and I’m sure she’ll understand.” Misaki shook Hagumi off and walked toward the studio’s corner where their bags awaited. They rushed to pull out their phone and check for any messages. After that sudden parting, they were anxious as all hell to know what happened to Kanon after she left. The first thing that popped up was from Kanon, and they breathed a sigh of relief as their worry melted away. “She’s waiting outside. I… I’ll catch up in a second.”

Hagumi’s face lit up with determination and before Misaki knew it, they were alone with the studio’s door swinging shut. They sighed, relieved and exhausted, before getting changed back into the comforting cocoon of their hoodie. D-did they say the right things to her, they wondered. This shit is way too difficult sometimes, but they couldn’t turn back now. There was still so much they wanted to understand about whoever the hell they were supposed to be.

* * *

It was still fairly early in the afternoon, clear blue skies loomed above Circle’s outdoor café. Kanon sat at a secluded table a bit away from the rest of the crowd, with Hagumi directly across from her. They were already in the midst of a deep conversation, it seemed, as Hagumi appeared uncharacteristically focused. Listening intently to everything Kanon described. As Misaki approached, they heard Kanon say, “O-oh! Um, the word for that is ‘genderfluid,’ actually.” There was some funny feeling in their chest. Butterflies? It was just surprising to hear her say that out in public. She didn’t seem distressed, either. Kanon was a really strong girl.

“Hey,” they strolled by the table with their hands in their hoodie pockets and the rim of their cap lowered to just above the eyes. “Sorry for taking so long.”

Kanon glanced Misaki’s way and giggled. “No worries!” So bright and sunny compared to before… what a relief. “I was just telling Hagumi about the different kinds of identities I’m familiar with.”

“Mii!” Hagumi shouted with excitement. “Um! I was thinking about what MIchelle… I mean, what you said earlier. I don’t know who the real Hagumi is! So I wanna try to find that out!”

“Oh, I see.” It was still kind of shocking to realize Hagumi had been thinking about this sort of thing, too. “What did you have in mind?”

“Hagumi wants to try being a boy! I mean, I don’t know if I’m a boy. But Kanon said it doesn’t hurt to try stuff out so I can find what makes me smile!”

“Hah.” Misaki let a grin slip through. They felt some sense of pride in Hagumi’s voice, or maybe they were just hearing it in their own heart. They raised one fist out in solidarity. “I think Michelle would agree.”

Hagumi beamed back at them. He raised his own fist and bumped it with Misaki’s. They could feel his skin vibrating, but it was different from the shakiness before. This was elation, no doubt about it. Kanon watched with a smile of her own, and the tense atmosphere had faded into a soothing aura beneath the sunny afternoon sky.


	4. Blood of the Covenant

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misaki has the displeasure of meeting Kanon's relatives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter CWs: misgendering, dysphoria, deadnaming. be mindful that this chapter is a little on the heavy side with regards to these things.  
> nb!misaki (they/them) and trans girl!kanon (she/her)  
> here's where things start to get painful. enjoy~

Kanon’s bedroom felt like home to Misaki. It was messy, but not too messy; pajamas and plastic candy wrappers were spread across the floor without a second thought, but there was still enough room to walk around if you followed the imprints of chairs left in the carpet. The walls were decorated with a bright aqua wallpaper, tiny images of anchors and fish between the vertical stripes. There were plush animals lining the head of her bed, including at least two sewn by Misaki themself; one a bright pink jellyfish and the other a miniature replica of Michelle. They rested beneath frumpled indigo bed sheets that Kanon had clearly torn through restlessly the last time she slept.

And next to the closet door was a full body mirror, perfect for getting unwanted glimpses of yourself at inopportune moments. It was as if Misaki’s body wasn’t their own. A graceful white dress wrapped around them with an imperfect elegance, imprisoning them like a cocoon. Its skirt flowed past their knees with little else covering their legs, leaving them with a sort of vulnerability they weren’t used to. Flimsy sleeves met at their wrists and hid away all the muscle on their arms -- they weren’t a musclehead by any means, but that didn’t make it any less pacifying. Their face was lined with a layer of concealer that they applied with next to no real effort. It probably looked like shit, but who cares, they figured. The only part of the ensemble that they’d ever be caught dead wearing elsewhere was the patterned red hair band tied around the back of their head for purely stylistic reasons. 

What they saw in the mirror wasn’t Misaki Okusawa. It was some girl who, disturbed facial expression aside, seemed like the very definition of ‘pretty.’

They fucking hated it.

It’s not that they despised wearing feminine clothes. Their school uniform was usually fine, and the occasional casual skirt wasn’t the worst thing in the world. But there was no pride or comfort in how delicate, how dainty and prissy the dress left them feeling.

“U-um, Misaki… Fuee...” Kanon’s voice wobbled as she closed the door behind her. But it wasn’t Kanon either. Her hair was tied up in an oversized bun and stuffed under Misaki’s bear cap. Bits from the bun peeked out and fell upon her cheeks, but there wasn’t much she could do about it without cutting it short. And she’d made it clear that that was the last thing she ever wanted right now. The rest of her was hidden beneath Misaki’s light grey hoodie -- the one that had MCL KUMA 90 printed in blue inside headphones -- and a pair of jeans that looked a bit too tight. The dread in her frown was as dark as the night sky without the moon. “S-sorry again…”

They wanted to reassure her. To say ‘it’s okay’ with confidence. But they both would’ve known it’s a lie. Nothing about this was okay. It was the end of May and Kanon’s relatives were in town, and they had invited her out to dinner this evening. According to her, she hadn’t seen or spoken to them since just before she started transitioning, so they had no idea she was a girl named Kanon now. She wasn’t particularly keen on explaining all of that, either, so she decided she’d rather put herself through a different kind of hell: pretending to be her old self to raise as few questions as possible. There was one problem though: she was absolutely terrified.

Misaki had reluctantly volunteered themself to join her, knowing just the kind of stress she’d be under. Perhaps they thought to bear the burden with her; lighten the weight of the world on her shoulders. “Let me be by your side.” Kanon insisted that Misaki didn’t have to do it, and every minute since they suggested it there was a voice in their head trying to force them out of this situation. “Hey, this is not gonna end well,” it insisted over and over and over. But for some reason they hadn’t listened to it? Was it arrogance, or some self-sacrificial sense of duty driving them along? Either way, the plan was now to pretend to be a straight girl in a relationship with Kanon, who was pretending to be a straight boy. It was too absurd to even work as the plot of a gay romcom, yet here they were.

“Um, remember that you’ll have to call me by my deadname…” she whimpered, distraught. There was so much shame contained in every word from her lips, yet she was still able to stand tall. Even with Misaki’s support, that courage was admirable. It was a kind of courage beyond anything Misaki thought possible. If they could protect that courage even a little, then this whole ordeal will be worth the trouble.

“I know, but… I don’t want to.” She’d told them the accursed name in advance to prepare, but they’d purposely tried as hard as they could to avoid thinking about it. That dreadful sensation in their stomach had built up to a boil and was just waiting to burst. It was coming, sooner or later. Either her aunt or her uncle would say that name that Kanon hated so much, and Misaki would be powerless to intervene. Now more than ever before, there was disdain in their heart for the adults of the world who decided these roles for them.

* * *

The couple arrived at the restaurant around six o’clock. It was nothing too fancy, just some local place that served western-style food like corn dogs and hamburgers. There were servers in dark dressy attire and tables with cloth napkins and silverware folded together. They spotted one server, a young woman probably only a couple years older than Kanon, wiping down a table with a wash rag in one hand and trying to balance several ceramic plates in the other. The dim lighting made the restaurant seem more refined than it actually was. Come on, do they really need to pretend they’re a five-star establishment just because they’re a little more expensive than fast food? It was fairly crowded, too. Maybe if they're lucky, Kanon's family wouldn't spot them, they prayed.

There was an uncomfortable sensation creeping up Misaki’s neck as they leaned against the wall in waiting. It was like water trickling upwards across their skin, but somehow completely dry. Kanon was visibly shaking beside them. They gently placed their hand upon her wrist and tried to look her in the eye, but they had nothing to say that could truly comfort her. She was sweating like mad and their fingers stuck to her skin.

Soon entered a family of three: a man, a woman, and a boy who looked about Hagumi’s age. The father immediately noticed the meek girl trying to hide away beside them. “Little Makoto, it’s been too long!” Suddenly Misaki’s stomach roared in a subtle explosion. This was them. They each had caramel brown hair with her uncle’s in a bowl cut and her aunt’s in a long feathered style, straight with no bangs. They both looked way too overeager for Misaki’s liking. The child, presumably Kanon’s cousin, remained quiet. His hair was short and shaggy with his bangs nearly covering his eyes. All of them seemed a little overdressed aside from the son, who was hiding away in the safety of an indigo hoodie, strings hanging down from his neck.

Misaki’s attention turned back toward Kanon, whose face was at least familiar in its wobbling half-frown. She spoke, but the sound from her throat was alien. The pitch was lower and lacked the hint of confidence Kanon’s speech had developed over the past year. “U-um.. Just ‘Mako,’ please. It’s nice to see you, uncle.”

The woman and man exchanged a judging glance, just obvious enough for Misaki to read the unspoken words in the space between. “Isn’t that a bit girly now that you’re a young man?” they swore they could read the couple’s unmoving lips. They tried to stop themself from scowling, and instead gave them what they imagined was a very creepy smile. Wide like a grin, brows furrowed like a scowl.  _ “Off to a terrible start, woohoo.” _

Kanon’s aunt suddenly addressed Misaki, causing them to wobble a bit from surprise. “Oh! Who’s this? Your girlfriend?”

Kanon responded, her arm growing cold alongside her falsified voice. “Y-yeah, this is my girlfriend…”

“Misaki Seta.” It was almost impulsive, dropping Kaoru’s name like that. They didn’t want anyone like  _ those two _ tracing personal information back to themself or the real Kanon, but they didn’t expect to so easily and shamelessly borrow the name of a self-proclaimed prince. Internally, they prayed that this wouldn’t lead to trouble on Kaoru’s side.

“Nice to meet you, Miss Seta!” Kanon’s aunt responded, stepping forward to bow. “I’m Mako’s aunt, Kozue Kashiwagi!”

_ “Kashiwagi?” _ They paused for a moment before they recalled Kanon mentioning that her uncle was from her mother’s side. 

The husband joined in as well. “I’m Katsura Kashiwagi. And this is our son, Kazuki.” He placed his index finger on Kazuki’s shoulder and tapped twice. 

Shyly, Kazuki raised his head and made the slightest bow. “Hello…” he spoke in a hushed voice, leaving them to wonder if it was really him or just a breeze.

Misaki returned their bows, despite already hating the shit out of Mr. and Mrs. Kashiwagi. They felt an itch around their collarbone where the dress touched their skin but, trying to stay conscious of what’s ‘proper’ and ‘ladylike,’ they managed to hold themself back.

They soon got seated around a sturdy wooden table and scanned the menu for something to eat, all while trying to avoid eye contact with Kanon’s aunt and uncle. Misaki hid as much of their face behind the menu’s outside covers as they could get away with. Kazuki and Misaki both decided on burgers, while Mrs. Kashiwagi requested a light salad with ranch. Kanon went for a corn dog while Mr. Kashiwagi ordered a sirloin steak. “Mako, you’ve got such a beautiful woman with you! How did you manage that?” Mr. Kashiwagi asked unprompted. 

Kanon squirmed, and Misaki squirmed in tandem. Every time they heard her deadname it stung like a wasp. They felt a deathly chill crawling down their spine at nearly every single thing that man said, but especially ‘beautiful woman.’ Creep. It was like insects crawling across their skin. All they could do was bite their tongue, while Kanon tried to explain, “Um, we met at… a festival actually. There was a local band playing and I just kind of started talking to them- uh, her. It turned out we were both huge fans… so…”

“Ah, young love is so adorable!” Mrs. Kashiwagi interrupted. “I’m sure you’ll be an excellent wife someday, Misaki.”

Every single time, like a nail in the head. There it was again, that pinch in their stomach that prompted another half-scowl-turned-forced-smile. “T-thank you!” They tried to feign gratitude, but it might’ve been too obvious how much they did  _ not _ mean it.

Misaki’s glance turned to Kazuki. While his parents tried to make small-talk, he’d had his head buried into his phone, his back hunched over probably in an attempt to hide the screen. Based on how rapid and melodic his tapping was he was playing some kind of rhythm game, though he had the sound off. There was something unexplainable, but… he had a certain vibe about him? It was obvious he didn’t want to be here, but it wasn’t clear why. 

“Um… hey, Kazuki was it?” Misaki asked.

He remained silent, not even bothering to look up from his game. His hood covered his hair and it was impossible to glean any sort of facial expression from the way he positioned himself. This was no use, they realized, and decided it best to leave him be.

“It’s odd, your mother never really talks about you when I call.” Mrs. Kashiwagi started prodding Kanon again. “So how long have you and Misaki been together? Do you go to the same school? How about after you graduate? Are you gonna go to the same university?”

“Ah… erm…” Kanon was clearly overwhelmed by all this. Poor girl. Just leave her alone, Misaki wanted to shout. “I-I haven’t really decided… what I’m doing after graduation yet… and…”

This was too sad to watch. Misaki reached for Kanon’s hand under the table and clasped their fingers between her’s. They cut her anxious stuttering off and held on tight. “I go to an all-girls school, but we see each other around town everyday. We’ve been together since New Years. Sh- he asked me out while we were visiting a shrine together, and I couldn’t resist her- ah, his courage and charm. As for future plans, I’m only a second-year, so I don’t know either.”

Mrs. Kashiwagi blinked before eying to the other end of the table. “Mako’s girlfriend is quite the confident young lady!” It stung, so much. Like a spearhead to the stomach. “Kazuki, you could learn a thing or two from her!”

That wobbly frown returned to Kanon’s mouth and they could just barely notice microscopic teardrops form at the edges of her somber eyes. She was hurting so much, and there was nothing either of them could do but persevere. Kazuki provided no response.

When the food arrived, Misaki’s appetite had all but vanished. Yet still they tried to scarf everything down to be done as fast as possible. The taste was… fine. Not bad, but they weren’t exactly in the mood so it ended up the flavor of numbness in their mouth. Soon all the toppings fell out the burger’s back end, leaving them to scoop them back together before the Kashiwagis noticed. Mr. Kashiwagi was chewing too loudly for them to hear themself think and Mrs. Kashiwagi wouldn’t stop asking the server for more dressing. Kazuki meanwhile had his head buried into his phone in one hand and slowly munched away at the burger in the other. Kanon nibbled on her corndog like something out of a cartoon with a squirrel eating an acorn. Even swallowing food was somehow discomforting in the dress, and they kept noticing breadcrumbs fall down onto the skirt. The only good thing about this mess was that nobody was talking to them or saying anything about Kanon at this point.

It took an agonizing fifteen minutes to finish the burger, and another agonizing fifteen minutes waiting for everyone else to finish and trying their hardest to ignore the crunching and gnashing of the aunt and uncle’s teeth digging through lettuce and steak. The whole time Kanon looked lifeless. They would’ve thought she fainted if not for her sluggish attempt to chew the corn dog down into a wooden stick. Her cousin had done his best to remain subtle and at this point had snuck off to the bathroom without anyone noticing. So Misaki was left with an upset stomach, a beautiful dress that they wanted to tear apart, a girlfriend well into a dysphoric breakdown, and the disgusting noise of the Kashiwagi parents’ eating.

It was half past seven. “W-well, um, we have to get going soon. H-his mom wanted us back home by eight since we have exams coming up and gotta study. It was n-nice meeting you though…!” Faking a straight face was actually the hardest thing in the world right now and they could not even pretend that they had a good time. The food was fine, but talking to those two left an atrocious dry taste in their mouth that overwrote any flavor. They pulled Kanon up from her chair and looked her in the eye.

“A-ah!” Kanon squeaked. The sound was more familiar, pitch high like her normal voice. She tried to lower it, but it slid between high and low as she spoke again. “Y-yeah! Sorry to cut things short, e-especially since we don’t see each other often. T-thank you for dinner, though!” She bowed and started backing up, pulling Misaki along with. She wasn’t having any easier a time addressing those two despite them being family. Made sense, Misaki guessed. They were basically strangers to her, too.

“Okay!” Mr. and Mrs. Kashiwagi waved as the couple tried to flee while also trying to look like they weren’t fleeing. “Keep in touch, Mako! Don’t let that one go!” her aunt shouted, at this point from almost halfway across the restaurant.

As soon as they were outside, they sprinted off into the dusk’s light. Misaki was glad they at least didn’t wear heels with this outfit, otherwise who knows how that would’ve worked out. Kanon picked up the pace and started running ahead, but Misaki had to yank her arm back to keep her from breaking off and getting herself lost. “Fuee…” both of them sighed as they caught their breath at the sidewalk’s end.

* * *

The last of the concealer washed away down the drain as their reflection in the bathroom mirror went back to being them. Just Misaki Okusawa in a black tank top and blue lounge shorts, not some imaginary girl who was everything they didn't want to be. The feeling of lead in their body finally started to deflate, but there was still unease lingering in their stomach.

When they returned to Kanon's bedroom, she wore a nightgown, blue like the sea, and her flowing long hair was in complete disarray. There was something beautiful about it -- so fluffy unbrushed, so comfy and cute. Yet streams of teardrops stained her skin and the sight of it hurt like stepping on glass. They wished they could erase it all and make things better, if only to see Kanon’s smile once more.

“M-Misaki… I’m so sorry…” Her voice was like a flicker. Quiet, a whisper. She couldn’t bear to look at them, they knew as she averted her eyes.

“It’s over now. Don’t worry about it.”

But she wouldn’t stop worrying. She fell to her knees and wept. They needed to act, but they were frozen in place trying to figure out what they could possibly say to help her through this. ‘Let’s just forget about it’ didn’t feel right. They couldn’t forget, no matter how much they wanted to.

“I-I’m… I’m disgusting... “

“You aren’t.”

“Please, Misaki…” It was difficult to hear. Her face was buried into her arms as she tried to stop herself from crying to no avail. From beneath, though, they could hear her moan. “Please… I don’t want you to think I’m a man…”

Their eyes widened, their fist clenched. Without a moment’s hesitation, they knelt down to Kanon’s height and placed one hand around her back. The other, behind her knees. With all the strength they could muster, they stood tall once more and lifted her up with.

“H-huh?!” Kanon yelped. 

She was light in their arms. Not like a feather, but like a plush jellyfish. The tears came to a halt and while remnants remained on her cheeks, the rest of her face turned to befuddlement. But no matter what expression she wore, to Misaki she was a beauty like no other. “There’s no way I could think of you as a man. A-after all, you’re such a beautiful princess… especially when I hold you like this.”

Kanon blinked. The embarrassment set in. She blinked again. All the blood rushed to their face. Then she giggled, and Misaki’s cheeks were burning like hell. “Hehehe! Misaki, you’re so red!”

“G-geh!” If their hands weren’t busy princess carrying a girl at the moment, they’d hide their face behind their cap. “I really sounded like Kaoru... God dammit…”

Kanon couldn’t stop smiling though. She slid her own arms around Misaki’s back and let herself down. She wiped the tears away with a nearby handkerchief and sighed the most gentle ‘fuee’ they’d ever heard.

“I meant it though. I’d never think any less of you.”

Kanon stared out the window into the night sky. “I know. It was just, after all that, I started doubting myself. Like I was faking being a girl.”

Misaki sat down on Kanon’s bed sheets and reached for the MIchelle plush they had stitched. At the same time, they remembered something they read online. If they recall, from a message board for folks like the two of them? “You know, I don’t think boys worry about if they’re ‘faking’ being a girl,” they replied, clutching the fun-size Michelle against their stomach.

Kanon turned back to them and finally they met eye-to-eye once again. “Ahaha… You’re right.”

Time kept moving on, deeper into the evening as they continued comforting each other. Between cuddles and nuzzles, they did find the time to study a bit because the thing about exams wasn’t a lie. In the midst of their studying, though, Misaki found themself remembering something that stood out from the dinner: Kazuki Kashiwagi, the quiet boy hiding away. “What do you think is with your cousin?” they asked.

“Kazuki?” Kanon tilted her head and placed her finger over her lip. “Hmm… Honestly, I’ve always thought he might be gay or trans or something. I don’t know why, but... he keeps to himself and doesn’t like talking much, especially when his parents pester him. Like how they told him to be more like you.”

Their stomach grew uneasy as they remembered that conversation.

“He just reminds me of myself in some ways. I’m not sure though. I’ve never really talked to him much either, so that’s just a guess on my part.”

“Interesting…” Their curiosity had been piqued, but they had no means of looking further into it. And they absolutely did not want to risk interacting with his parents ever again if they could avoid it, so they were left with unanswered questions and a jagged feeling without direction. Perhaps it was something they were never meant to know, anyway.

As the clock ticked forward and their thoughts started drifting, Misaki realized it was time for bed. Kanon was nearly half-asleep, too, so they both decided it was lights out time. They scooted into bed together and, though it was a tight fit, her stuffed animals provided the perfect pillow for the both of them.

“I never properly thanked you for earlier. Thank you…”

“Of course,” Misaki murmured from beneath the covers. “I love you.”

Kanon’s face inched closer to their own. They could feel her breaths against their skin. Misaki nudged their own head forward in kind. Both of their lips joined together, creating a kiss. It wasn’t just a kiss of love, or even a kiss of trust. Something more. Kanon’s lips against Misaki’s own was a comfort they needed more than anything else right now. Their eyes closed, they slid their fingers down Kanon’s free arm, which was lingering above the bed sheets without intention. As their lips parted and heads returned to where they’d started, their fingers intertwined once more. Misaki opened their eyes. Though Kanon’s figure had become nothing more than a silhouette in the dark, their hands together guided each other into a peaceful night of much deserved rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> over time i've had some mixed feelings about deadnames in trans-centric narratives. i used to be absolutely against it, but in a chapter like this it feels necessary to get the full impact? so i'd call this experimental. i'm trying to see what i feel works and doesn't while teetering the line between what might make a reader uncomfortable and what might come off as outright hurtful. as i've mentioned before, i really want to avoid the latter so i appreciate hearing other trans peoples' feelings on that. i had two fellow trans women look through and give me their take on it but people are bound to feel differently regardless and that's something i can respect.
> 
> for kanon's deadname i didn't have much reason for origin or anything. just wanted to go with something unisex that i could also play around with the gendered connotations with regards to how it can be shortened.


	5. Malice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Misaki understood that not everyone was so accepting of people like themself and Kanon. When they realize bullies might be targeting Hagumi, they reach out to a certain disciplinarian for assistance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter CWs: misgendering, transphobia (specifically transphobic bullying/harassment), lesbophobia. as with last chapter, this one is heavy so be mindful.  
> nb!misaki (they/them), trans girl!kanon (she/her), and questioning!hagumi (he/him)
> 
> a chapter about bullying.

Misaki paced through Hanasakigawa’s hallways with Kokoro skipping at their side. Lunch was almost over, and they were trying to get back to class in peace, but Kokoro insisted on following them all the way. There were a few girls lingering outside of classrooms against the wall or standing at the hall’s edge, staring out the window aimlessly and watching the endless rainfall. It was quiet enough to hear their footsteps tap against the linoleum floor and echo around the corridor, a rhythm accompanied by Kokoro’s melodic humming.

As they passed by class 2-E, something changed in Kokoro’s demeanor and her hums quieted down. “Oh, Misaki. Did something happen to Hagumi?”

“Huh?” Misaki kept on walking. Kokoro’s skipping turned into a slow trail from behind.

“He’s been sort of different lately. He was happy for a while! But the past few days he hasn’t smiled as much…” She tried to maintain a smile herself, but the sunlight in it was missing.

Thinking about it, Misaki hadn’t really seen Hagumi much in the past few days. He didn’t seem gloomy when he was around, but something could have been up without them noticing. He tended to keep quiet about his problems until it became an issue for everyone.

Interrupting their train of thought, a girl’s voice down the hall caught their attention. “...if she thinks she’s a boy or whatever, but...” They couldn’t quite catch the rest of it, but they felt a pin prick into their side. They sped ahead of Kokoro to follow the sound of that girl’s voice, spotting two students nearby the drinking fountain. One of them wore a ponytail of ash brown while tittering to herself. The other had a shorter brunette bob-cut, and seemed to only be half-acknowledging the other. The two of them were kind of familiar… wait, weren’t those girls from Hagumi’s class? 

“...just keep it to herself,” said the girl with the bob-cut.

“That twerp isn’t a boy. She’s a lesbian. Gross.” A conceited smirk formed across the ponytail girl’s lips. Every word from her mouth was filled with malice. They could feel layers of acid spewing with each syllable.

Misaki clenched their fist. _“Shut. The hell. Up.”_ They felt their heart beating like mad through their chest. It was obvious -- who else could those girls be talking about? Their legs were frozen, but their fingertips dug deep into the palm of their hand. It took all of Misaki’s restraint not to run up and punch the ponytail girl in the stomach. At the very least, they shot the nastiest glare they could muster in her direction, though she seemed to not even notice their presence. Adrenaline started to overtake reason. Deep breath in, then out. Phwoooooo… _“Okay, no. Think carefully before you act.”_

The lunch bell’s chime interrupted their enraged thoughts and both girls disappeared into the 2-E classroom. Kokoro had already vanished as well, so Misaki swiftly returned to 2-A down the hall. As class began, their mind slipped back into a frustrated daze. The teacher’s voice became background static in their ear and their brain kept replaying the bits of conversation they caught, in spite of their desire to avoid thinking about it. Thinking about it made their skin feel like it was peeling apart, leaking all sorts of mucus that shouldn’t even be in their body. 

Obviously they couldn’t just sit there and let that girl say whatever she wants about one of their bandmates and friends. Especially when he had just started exploring himself. How fucking cruel did you have to be to say shit like that, even behind his back? Their fist tightened, knuckles rested against their desk. Subtly as they could, they took another deep breath in. And out. They drew at least a few glances their way, but were too focused on the hell in their head to really care. _“Okay... Okay. For real. What can I do?”_

The most obvious choice would be to report this to a teacher, since they’re the ones with the authority to do something about it. But on second thought… could they trust the teachers with this? Would they understand? Would they show compassion? Misaki had doubts. It’s not like they could count on adults to sympathize with Hagumi’s struggles. So that’s out of the question. Next they considered the disciplinary committee. Maybe someone around their age might be more understanding? But… still, they were hesitant. Could they really trust other students to handle something so sensitive, students who don’t know Hagumi as a person?

For some reason, as they kept absentmindedly scribbling into their notebook, another solution flickered into their thoughts. Just beat the shit out of that girl if she did anything to Hagumi. Their spite persisted. They weren’t the violent type, they swear. They had to realize that it’d cause more problems than it’d solve, right? Completely irrational, totally unreasonable.

...So why was it so tempting?

Is it because of themself? No, Misaki never was the selfish type. Honestly, if someone were targeting them, they probably wouldn’t care that much. It’d bother them a little. Maybe even a lot. But they knew themself well enough to know they’d just tough it out instead of fighting back.

Kanon, though. Yeah. When they started to consider her, it was obvious. They were terrified of something happening. If a student like that were willing to target Hagumi, there must’ve been students willing to hurt Kanon, too. Maybe… oh god, they hadn’t asked her before, but what if she’d already been hurt by someone like that? Every muscle in their body tensed up again as they envisioned Kanon being bullied by her classmates.

They shut their eyes. Deep breath in, then out. A moment of rational thought. _“Wait, Kanon might know what to do about this then.”_

* * *

Misaki was breathless. They’d totally just sprinted up the stairs and oww, possibly twisted their ankle in a rush to meet Kanon outside room 3-B once classes ended. “These girls… they were… Hagumi…” Between each round of panting, they tried to blurt out everything they could and prayed Kanon could piece together their jumbled sentences. “One of them... called him… a lesbian…”

“Oh gosh… that’s so awful.” She looked down to the floor, her gaze filled with grief. “I think we should report this to Sayo. She might be able to do something.”

Their breathing returned to normal, Misaki took a step back. “Really? I know she’s on the disciplinary committee, but… seriously. Sayo?”

Kanon nodded firmly, not an ounce of hesitation in her eyes.

That was not the name they expected to hear. They’d always envisioned Sayo as the cold, serious type. Well, there was that one time at the festival, but… they figured that was just from Kokoro’s miraculous effervescence influencing her. They didn’t imagine she’d be a go-to choice for dealing with such a sensitive and personal situation. “I mean… if you’re certain.”

“Don’t worry,” Kanon slipped a tiny smile. “I wouldn’t trust a teacher, but Sayo is different. We can trust her.”

 _“Different, huh?”_ Against Misaki’s better judgment, the couple soon found themselves entering into the student council room. Sayo was alone inside, wearing a pair of black-rimmed glasses and sorting through a stack of papers on the central table. Behind her was a set of four student desks turned to the wall with computers placed on them. And off to the side was one separate desk, one a fair bit larger -- about the size of a teacher’s -- belonging to President Rinko Shirokane. There were file cabinets backed against the window and papers stacked atop them.

Without looking up from her current task, Sayo addressed them. “Hello. Did you need something?”

“Ah.” They weren’t sure why they were caught off-guard -- maybe because Sayo had such a professional aura about her, it felt like they were speaking to school staff. “Um, yeah. Since you’re the disciplinary committee’s captain, we had something to report.”

Sayo set down the stack she’d been organizing and turned toward the duo. Light reflected off her lenses. She remained silent, her keen gaze giving Misaki the floor to speak. Stern and serious, as they had imagined.

“I think someone might be bullying my friend in class 2-E. I don’t have any concrete evidence, but I overheard-”

“2-E?” Sayo cut their sentence short. “This wouldn’t happen to be about Hagumi Kitazawa, would it?”

Misaki was stunned, almost speechless. “Y-yeah,” they nodded. “How did you…”

Sayo sighed, adjusting her glasses by the hinges. “Hanazono had reported this to me yesterday as well. She mentioned one particular girl had called Kitazawa by several derogatory terms while he was outside of the classroom. I’ve yet to determine if anyone has targeted him directly. If possible, I’d prefer to address this matter before it gets to that point.”

‘He,’ she said. Misaki’s head spun. They’d underestimated the hell out of her. How the hell were they supposed to know Sayo would be so… understanding? She always had a reputation for being strict and scary, never sympathetic. Huh. Kanon spoke as Misaki was still trying to process this. “Oh, so is the committee handling this already?”

“Not exactly,” Sayo was quick to answer. She paused for a minute and scanned the two of them up and down, letting out a quiet ‘hmm’ while her eyebrows furrowed inward. Misaki felt like she was seeing right through them, evaluating their hesitance and resolve with every glance. Scary… “This case is particularly sensitive. I have some personal feelings about it, so I’m not sure I can trust anyone else on the committee to understand and handle this with care.” There was a faint glimmer of solemnity in her eyes as she pulled a verdant armband from her school bag. She slipped it over her right sleeve and pinned it onto her uniform, then smirked with confidence, still focused on Misaki and Kanon. “But I’d feel confident with people who are closer to the situation helping out. Okusawa, Matsubara. Would you two be willing to assist?”

“Us?” Misaki pointed at themself. This was… not at all how they expected this to go. ‘Personal feelings’? Oh, right, Misaki remembered. Maya mentioned that Hina is non-binary, so Sayo must have been looking out for her, too.

They turned to Kanon, ready to ask how she felt, but she already had her arms pumped. “Yes, I’ll do anything I can to help!” R-really? Kanon’s habit of getting really enthusiastic about something always kicked in at the weirdest times. Though, they understood where she was coming from, to an extent. That vicious feeling gnawing away at them earlier… They wanted to do something about that.

“Y-yeah, I’m in.” They tried their best to give a prideful nod, but the hesitance was still there. Nevertheless, Sayo returned it in kind. 

“Ah, another thing.” Sayo walked back into the corner of the office and crouched down to open up a file cabinet. After digging through for just a couple seconds, she pulled out a pair of armbands matching her own. “If we do end up in a confrontation, things will get messy. It might be beneficial that you act as though you are on the committee as well.”

They were more than a little bit nervous about taking the band as Sayo held it out to them. It seemed like something that could get them in a lot of trouble if they got caught. But then again, the offer _was_ coming from one of the highest authorities within the student body. They swiped it from Sayo’s fingers and quickly pinned it to their sleeve, feeling their guilt manifest in its weight.

* * *

Their first task was to find Hagumi and ask if he’d been harassed at all. This proved much more difficult than expected -- Misaki and Kanon both texted him, but no response. First they searched through class 2-E, but it was entirely empty at this point. But just their luck, Kokoro had spotted the three of them in the hallway. At first Misaki feared she might try to get involved, especially after earlier, but they soon realized that she might actually be the lead they were searching for.

“Hagumi? Oh! I think I saw Hagumi climbing trees behind the school earlier! It looked like so much fun!”

“C-climbing trees?!” Sayo gasped. Her eyes were wide with befuddlement and Misaki started worrying she was going to have a heart attack. They waved their hand in front of her face in an attempt to force her out of this trance, and luckily, it worked. She stammered before starting off, “R-right. Thank you Tsurumaki.” Kokoro grinned in reply and skipped down the hall, presumably toward wherever she felt like causing chaos next.

Fast-walking through the hallways and down into the half-crowded entrance hall, Misaki swore they caught another glimpse of that bastard from earlier. It was only the back of her head, but the color and ponytail matched perfectly. They tried their best not to let rage overtake them, averting their eyes toward Kanon’s lovely face instead.

Now outside, they soon arrived at a grove behind the school where sunlight cast shadows of sycamores against the brick wall. It smelt of rainy summer -- the scent of dew arose from the grass, leftover from lunchtime showers. And at the third tree from where they turned the corner, they noticed a school bag resting at the trunk. Above it, an orange-haired boy in a Hanasakigawa uniform swayed from the branches like a chimpanzee. “Oh, Mii and Kano! And Sayo, too?!” Hagumi flailed his body in excitement, still managing to keep himself perfectly balanced. “You’re all wearing matching bracelets! Are we having some sort of crossover performance?!”

That distressed demeanor overpowered Sayo’s eyes as she shouted, “Kitazawa, get down from there! This is a serious safety hazard!”

“Okay!” Hagumi lifted his entire body over the branch and dropped, performing a somersault in midair and sticking the landing perfectly.

The whole time, Sayo was making the most exasperated “uuhhh??” sound and the others could tell she was on the verge of fainting. Kanon just giggled calmly. Yeah, she and Misaki were used to this kind of thing from him by now.

Misaki placed one hand on Hagumi’s shoulder and looked him in the eye. They took another deep breath in before addressing him with its release. “Hagumi. There’s something serious going on and we need you to answer some questions for us. Have any of your classmates been bothering you lately?”

Hagumi’s enthusiasm came to a halt, his gaze shifted downward. He kicked at the grass, dejected all of a sudden. “Oh… Well, not really bothering me, but...”

Kanon stepped in, bent her knees forward and lowered herself to lock eyes with him. “We want to help you,” she gave him a reassuring smile and placed her hand atop his head. “Can you tell us what happened?”

He nodded with a small hint of shame in his motion. “W-well, I told some of my classmates about how I thought I wanted to be a boy… and they started giving me weird looks! I didn’t understand. Was there a problem with something I said?”

Ouch. Like a punch to the gut, hearing that brought a special kind of pain. When Misaki looked around them, both Kanon and Sayo had a dejected, distraught mood about them. Misaki explained, “Not at all… Some people just might not understand. H-has anyone said anything about it otherwise?”

“Um…” Hagumi flinched, as if trying to remember something brought another sort of pain. “W-well, this one girl. Her name is Saori… Saito? She’s just a classmate, but she must’ve overheard. She… she called me creepy and started using these weird words at me. I didn’t know what the words meant, but the way she said them, it sounded like she was mad.”

Sayo stepped forward and joined in. “What sort of words?”

“W-well, one of them… I remember it started with a ‘D’? Dy-something…”

It didn’t take but a second for Misaki to figure out what word he meant. And another second to connect the dots and figure out Saito was the ponytail girl they had glared at hours ago. They curled their fist into a ball. They glanced at Sayo, and Sayo nodded. “Hagumi. Do you know where we can find Saito right now?” Misaki asked.

“I think I saw her in the entrance hall with some other girls earlier?”

Their muscles tightened. So that _was_ her.

“Thank you for your cooperation,” Sayo spoke gently to Hagumi. “We’ll take care of this matter in whatever way we can.” God, Sayo was so much different than they expected from all the rumors. Nobody ever told them the cruel and terrifying demon of Hanasakigawa’s disciplinary committee was actually a compassionate girl who was willing to help someone she barely knew like this. As they tried to fathom it, Sayo’s attention switched to them. “I’m not sure we can do anything about his other classmates, unfortunately,” she sighed quietly.

“Yeah…” they sighed back.

They could feel the comfort from Kanon’s presence as she tried to help Hagumi in the midst of this discussion. Just the little “there, there” and ‘we’ll take care of things, okay?” were enough to bring a quick recovery in his expression, gloominess faded away. They could feel that serene kindness envelope their heart, too. But rather than calm them down, it served to strengthen their resolve.

“Let’s not dwell on that right now.” Sayo’s expression grew stern, eyebrows furrowed. She looked like she was ready to throw down. “It’s best we deal with the problem that we _can_ solve.” 

Heh. Just what Misaki wanted to hear.

* * *

They were back at the entrance hall and sure enough, not far from where they had spotted her earlier, the girl with the ponytail was chattering away with a group of classmates. Across the wooden floor, the girls were loitering behind a row of lockers, right around where the entrance merged into a hallway. It was hard to distinguish between the four, but Misaki couldn’t forget the fury that shithead’s smug face invoked in them. “That’s her. The one with the ponytail,” they pointed to her for Sayo and Kanon’s sake.

Sayo led the approach and the other two followed suit. Misaki patted their sleeve just to double-check that the committee armband was still pinned in its place, and it was. Their heartbeat was roaring and they could feel adrenaline threaten to rise. Blood started to boil. Deep breaths, once more. Phwoooo. _“Just stay calm. Let Sayo do the talking,”_ they reminded themself, but it didn’t do much to alleviate the sensation.

While the girls were chatting amongst themselves, Sayo cleared her throat with an “ahem!” so loud it sounded like a train whistle. “Excuse me, but do any of you know Saito from class 2-E?” Waiting for a reaction, she stood there. Staring. With a gaze as cold as arctic waters.

The three others turned toward Sayo and jumped where they stood as soon as they caught sight of the disciplinary committee armband. “Oh shit,” one of them blurted out. Saito stood still, staring back at Sayo. Her friends were now glancing back and gesturing toward her.

“Yeah, that’s me,” she spoke with confusion, her gaze avoidant and her head tilted back.

“You fucked up, Saori,” one of the girls shouted before sliding around the wall and speeding away. The other two quickly ran in the opposite direction, down the first floor hallway. Misaki watched this unfold in awe. So the whispers of Sayo’s reputation as a disciplinarian were no joke. Just seeing the Demon Queen of Hanasakigawa struck fear into the hearts of troublemakers.

Sayo started to shout something -- probably to scold the girls for running indoors, but she cut herself off and turned her sights directly toward Saito. Calm but grim, she addressed her, “Hello. We’re with the disciplinary committee.”

“Yeah?” Saito hissed, impatience spilling from her breath like oil.

“It’s been brought to our attention that you have been harassing another student. Kitazawa, also from 2-E if I’m not mistaken?”

“Tch,” her eyes widened the second Sayo dropped Hagumi’s name in. “I didn’t do anything to her. Little tomboy is just trying to start trouble.”

“Oh?” Sayo raised one eyebrow. “That’s quite an odd conclusion. It wasn’t Kitazawa that informed us about this.”

Saito stepped to the side a bit and tried to look clever, placing one finger below her lip. “Okay, then what did this snitch say I did?”

“I’d prefer not to repeat the words that you were reported as saying. But that kind of language is harmful and completely unacceptable for an academic environment. Please refrain from using such foul and offensive terminology.” Sayo managed to sound as professional and polite as she possibly could while telling someone “don’t fucking use slurs.” That was impressive in its own right, though maybe Misaki was just too furious to think of a calm response of their own.

Instead of an apology, that conceited demeanor appeared on Saito’s face like a mask of dirt. “I don't see the problem. Shouldn't _she_ get in trouble for going around spreading lies?”

Misaki’s eyes drifted to Kanon for just a second. They could tell she was nervous beyond her usual level, and it looked like she had something to say. But it was clear from the quivering of her lips that she was too afraid to say it aloud.

Sayo’s tone shifted ever-so slightly towards anger when she next spoke. “What Kitazawa says about himself shouldn’t concern you, should it? It’s not as if he’s harming anyone.”

Conceit quickly became disgust. “It’s unnatural. If you take her seriously, that sets a real dangerous precedent. What, are they just gonna let any guy in a skirt enter the academy? You really expect me to go to school with that sort of creep?”

Fury built up in Kanon’s face, but there was a hint of pity in her eyes. As if… _no_. She took one step forward and spoke, “Excuse me, I-”

Sayo threw her arm back and blocked Kanon from stepping any further forward. She glanced back at the two of them and mouthed something, but Misaki couldn’t read her lips. Then she turned to Saito. “Hmph. There are many students here and everywhere else struggling with problems you’ll never understand. Not that you’d even try, considering how close-minded you seem to be. But _we_ are not going to stand idly as people like you try to enforce your tired ideals on us.”

 _“We? Us?”_ Wait… Shit, really? Misaki stumbled back a bit, but remained silent. Shit, so… What the hell? That’s why Sayo was so concerned. It wasn’t just for Hina’s sake or something like that. Sayo was looking out for herself. D-did Kanon know? That must have been why she said they could trust her. Jeez, Misaki had so many questions all of a sudden. They tried to hang onto them for later; the current situation was way more pressing.

“Ew. So they’re just fine with letting crossdressers into an all-girls school? They even let one on the disciplinary committee?” Despite her doubling down, there was an obvious break in her demeanor. She might’ve realized then that she was in the wrong. No, not in the wrong. She wasn’t going to take back what she said. More like she realized that she was the only one here who thought she was right and the whole trio was ready to see her suspended if necessary.

“Do you realize who you’re speaking to?” Sayo stood firm, untouchable. “I am Sayo Hikawa, CAPTAIN of the disciplinary committee.”

“Someone get it away from me!” Backed up against the wall now, she hid her eyes while pointing at Sayo in disgust and shouting, but nobody answered her pleas. Even if someone were fucked up enough to help scum like her, nobody in the nearby vicinity had the guts to take on the Disciplinary Demon Queen herself.

Sayo remained unfazed. “Ha. Do you think I care what some arrogant second-year thinks of me?” She smirked with confidence -- the confidence of a woman who had been through hell and back, a woman who in this moment knew no fear. “I have no interest in wasting my breath on you any longer. But let this be your only warning: if you continue to pose a safety risk for your fellow students, I will not hesitate to have you appropriately punished.”

As Sayo finished her sentence, she started to back away. And like cornered prey making a last-ditch retaliation, Saito stepped forward and steadied one arm up high. Her palm was flat, and with what looked like all the strength she could muster, she swung a slap directly at Sayo’s face. But just as she raised her arm, Misaki had already pushed through ahead of Sayo and intercepted with their left hand. They grabbed hold of Saito’s wrist, tight as they could. No, even tighter than that. They looked her in the eye and unleashed a death glare, one that even Kanon seemed terrified by as she watched from off to the side. 

“Don’t.” 

One word and one hand was all it took for Misaki’s gaze to force Saito’s entire arm into a cold tremble. She tried to struggle past, but Misaki’s grip only tightened harder, as if trying to crush the muscles and bones beneath the skin on her wrist. Within those few seconds, the whole school disappeared in their mind and they were Sayo’s shield, Kanon’s guardian. All the strength they’d gained from lugging that mascot suit around finally saw some use. Their glare became even sharper, filled with the anger of a bear whose cubs had just been targeted by a predator. 

“I’m fucking serious. Don’t.”

Saito must’ve finally broken. She started fighting for her wrist, but this time trying to pull herself back. Misaki’s grip loosened and within seconds, she was fleeing down the hallway that her other friends had fled through mere minutes ago. Misaki could still feel the intensity on their palm as they listened to her footsteps against the hall’s teal linoleum floor get further and further away. Good fucking riddance. “Fuee…” Misaki exhaled.

Sayo sighed, too. Not a fuee kind of sigh, just a regular one. “My apologies. I would have preferred you not have to use violence, but thank you nonetheless, Okusawa.” Beneath her words, Misaki could detect something else festering. A thought Sayo was trying to brush away. Wasn’t too hard to notice, considering how often they did the same thing.

“Hey Sayo. You okay?” Misaki asked as they leaned against the wall where Saito had stood.

Before Sayo could respond, Kanon threw her arms around Misaki’s shoulders and clinged to them like a lost puppy. “You two were both so brave… I’m sorry I couldn’t help more.”

“No need to apologize, Matsubara. If anyone should be taking responsibility for the vulnerable students at this school, it’s me.” Sayo cleared her throat, this time with sincerity. “As for myself… Well, when I was asserting myself… When I saw her squirming alone while utterly failing to break me, I felt something. Some kind of sick satisfaction. I’m not sure how to feel about this.”

Misaki wanted to say some words of sympathy, but all they could think was that Sayo did everything as well as she could have. Hell, they were downright impressed by Sayo’s steadfast resolve in the face of someone who considered her less than human. “I think I can understand, kind of.”

“She reminded me so much of several people I knew in middle school. Perhaps I wanted to rub my accomplishments in their faces.” Sayo started unpinning her armband and slipping it off. “I don’t want them to sleep peacefully thinking that they managed to stop me from being myself.”

As morbid as it might’ve sounded, those words resonated in Misaki’s heart. They placed their right arm around Kanon’s shoulder and held her close. “I don’t know if there were really any better ways to handle the situation. I just hope that scum leaves Hagumi the hell alone now. If not...” While Sayo detached the armbands from both of their sleeves and collected them for herself, Misaki felt a newfound kinship growing between themself and the infamous Demon Queen. Finally feeling their muscles loosen up, they started digging through their mind to figure out what sort of questions they had for Kanon about all this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh, and trans girl!sayo :3 i'll admit sayo's role in this chapter is self-indulgent as hell and something of a power fantasy - rarely do we have that sort of opportunity to safely assert ourselves in the way she does here.
> 
> here's the typical place where i put my disclaimer in heavy chapters. portraying outright transphobia like this tends to involve walking a thin line. on the one hand, i don't like pulling punches when it comes to getting Real with these works. on the other, i don't like writing stuff that's so gruesome that it'll trigger dysphoric reactions in readers (though content warnings are also good to be on the safe side). there's also the problem of making sure stuff is 'safe' while not sounding too stiff or clinical, either. huge thanks to silversilky, DivineNoodles, and RunaLiore for providing me feedback as i was working that stuff out.


	6. Queen of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feeling the weight they carry begin to crush them, Misaki asks Kanon's best friend for advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nb!misaki, trans girl!kanon etc, the usual.

Azaleas remained lively as ever in that quiet garden Misaki found themself always returning to, even as the months changed. It was the start of August, and the stress of their oath had taken its toll. They swore they’d protect Kanon, even before they were together -- but they were starting to doubt how feasible that really was. With nowhere else to turn in bearing this mission, they called upon some outside help.

Yet the young woman across the table sipping a luxurious cup of aromatic tea had a… difficult aura about her. “Thank you again, Misaki. To what do I owe the pleasure?” She wore a striped yellow blouse and pure white skirt, her sunlight blonde hair topped with a stark sunhat. Her manners were so precise, so well-practiced that you’d think she was at some movie industry bigwig’s private party.

It wasn’t that Chisato Shirasagi intimidated Misaki because she was a celebrity or anything trivial like that. No, Chisato was just far too clever for Misaki’s liking. She had a near perfect fake smile, curved just high enough to look compassionate and just low enough to look genuine. Most people probably wouldn’t be able to tell the difference. And her tone was like an exam. Humble in her words and demeanor, but laced with disconnect from her actual feelings. It was something that both impressed and terrified Misaki to the extent that just her mere presence was enough to throw them off.

But they’d called her here for a reason. They tugged at the collar of their t-shirt, already feeling a bit of sweat beneath from both the summer’s sweltering heat and their overactive nerves. “Y-yeah. I wanted to ask… um… How do you deal with all the responsibility?"

"Hm." Chisato gently placed her tea cup on her plate and narrowed her eyes toward Misaki. "This is certainly unexpected. What do you mean exactly?"

They hadn't touched a drop of their own tea yet. They could feel their fingers rumbling so hard that the table might've shaken and spilt everything over, had they been resting on it. "Well, um. You're a student, an actress, you’re in a band that’s also an idol group… Not to mention you’ve got a social life and other personal obligations, right? How…” It took them a moment to find the right words. If you could even call them that. “How do you manage all that without breaking?”

Chisato giggled, and something eerie crept through between the reverb. Oh god. Misaki’s heart was throbbing at the sound. Was this what it feels like when you’re about to die? “Misaki, you of all people should notice.” Chisato smiled. It was different from before. Not fake, but not quite genuine. The kind of smile you make when bearing through the sharpest pain. “What human could live like that without breaking?”

Something clicked in Misaki’s brain as they gazed back, trying to study her demeanor. But the words themselves did them in more than anything -- “Ah. I-I, uh. Sorry.”

Chisato’s face softened as she sighed. Almost with relief? Was that relief, Misaki wondered? She dropped her pseudo smile then, but there was almost joy when she spoke. “I like you, Misaki. You’re different from everyone else. You don’t look at me with adoration or jealousy or any sort of expectations.”

“Oh yeah?” Their nerves started to settle and they could feel their limbs loosen up. They were letting their guard down, which seemed like an awful idea around Chisato, but there’s something comforting about her honest, unsmiling face. They carefully lifted their cup and took a sip of sweet honey tea. It had cooled down just enough so it wouldn’t scald their tongue, leaving a relaxing honey stain inside their throat. “H-how do I look at you?”

“Hmmm… perhaps you pity me?”

“I don’t know about that…” They weren’t shaking anymore, either, keeping their fingers firm on the cup’s ceramic handle. “I mean, I really don’t envy you either.”

Chisato leaned against the back of her chair, her focus intermingled between Misaki and the sky above. “What did you really mean though?”

“W-well…” The garden’s aroma and the sweetness of tea against their tongue helped clear their head. Then they remembered what they actually needed help with. “I’m kind of scared. Lately I’ve been stressing a lot about Kanon. Hagumi too.”

“Ah yes. Kanon did mention that incident with you and that other second-year to me.”

God. They could still remember the feeling of that scum’s wrist locked in their fist, even over a month later. They set their tea down and bent their left fingers in toward their palm. “Yeah, there was that. But also…” Their memories started to rewind. They recalled another incident, one much different but terrifying in a similar manner. One that left them shaken in their ongoing battle to keep the girl they love safe. “It was a few weeks ago, at the Tanabata festival.”

* * *

Downtown was packed at twilight. Paper lanterns soared above the dusk-lit orange streets and a parade swept through beneath. The sea of people was awash with bright colored paper kites flying all around and dancers moving gracefully, accompanied by an elderly woman strumming melody through a shamisen. Misaki stood on the sidelines watching. They weren’t really the festive type, but hey, they only got this chance once a year. Might as well make it a date.

There was a huge problem though. It was easy to get lost in this enormous crowd. And even though they were holding tight onto Kanon’s hand, they somehow ended up separated. They were in a panic, shoving desperately past anyone in their way regardless of age and tried to use their keen eyesight to spot Kanon’s hair or the plaid overall skirt she’d been wearing or anything. “Kanon?! Kanon?!” they kept calling out, but no response. Not even the slightest fuee; though the music and chatter overwhelmed their ears, so it wouldn’t have amounted to much.

They shoved their way into the back parts of town where the parade wasn’t passing through. Things were quieter, but they noticed a young woman(?) in the corner of their eye that they swore was… glaring at them from across the street? She was blonde with short messy hair but bangs brushed evenly. There was a red-and-white bomber jacket around her shoulders with some sort of animal print, plus a long black skirt flowing down to her ankles. The look of a delinquent with nothing to fear. And she had her sights locked onto Misaki.

Their stomach grew queasy and the panic was in overdrive. Had they not been so focused on searching for Kanon in the moment, they might’ve lost sight of themself and did something stupid without thinking. Like walk up to that girl and pick a fight for no good reason. Instead, they kept themself together out of sheer desire to protect. And not long after, they could hear high-pitched whimpering from the back alley. Though the walls were painted with the setting sun’s yellow, the alleyway’s shade and several garbage cans hid the voice’s owner. Miaski wandered into the darkness, and found Kanon in her adorable plaid skirt and pink blouse sobbing behind the trash. They felt their heart stop for a brief second and wondered if they were already dead. Breathless, they tried to call her name, “K-Kanon! There you are!” They held out their hand to her, but could barely keep themself balanced on their feet.

Kanon was curled up against metal. The sounds she made rotated violently between distressed cries and outright hyperventilating. She glanced up. Not enough to see their hand, but just enough to see it was them. “M-Misaki…”

“I…” Misaki tried to speak, but the overwhelming forces of anxiety and gravity left them to catch their breath. They took a rough fall guided by their own hands until they were down to Kanon’s height, also hidden behind garbage bins. “I was looking everywhere for you. A-are you… what’s wrong?”

Kanon tried to wipe her eyes with her fist, but it wasn’t enough to stop the endless flow.

Seeing this, Misaki leaned in and placed both of their hands on her cheeks. Gently with their thumbs, they rubbed beneath her eyes and cleaned up the tears themself. Her crying didn’t stop, but they managed to subdue it. Then they pushed even further forward and threw their arms around her, holding tight. “Please, Kanon. Tell me what happened.” They shut their eyes. They were so glad to have her in their arms right now, anything else was just an afterthought.

“Misaki, I’m so sorry… There was this scary girl… She kept looking at me like she wanted to hurt me, so I ran away. I-I don’t know.” They could feel her arms vibrate as she clung to their back. “S-she was staring right at my face. A-and glaring at me... I think…”

They rubbed their palms across the back of her shirt. Her heart beat against their own.

“I think she might’ve… clocked me… fuee...”

Their grip tightened against the cloth, curled up into fists now. Her shirt crumpled between their fingers, they felt another one of those violent urges flow through their bloodstream. If this was the same girl, they didn’t care if she was an experienced street fighter. They’d do anything to protect their beloved.

_ Click, click. click. _

Footsteps. They were slow, but grew in volume as they approached. Someone was coming. Misaki cautiously opened their eyes and glanced in the sound’s direction. It was her -- the girl in the bomber jacket. Hands in her coat pockets, she had a curious yet menacing look glued to her face. Misaki’s mouth buried into Kanon’s shoulder, they watched carefully as their muscles tensed up.

The girl turned toward them. “Hey. You guys okay?” The shadow across her face quickly washed away. She looked kind of clueless if anything. Now that they got a closer look, the design on her jacket looked kind of like rabbits?

Misaki could still feel adrenaline in their blood. They carefully slipped their arms away and let go of Kanon, rising to face the girl in red with burning intensity in their glower. Knuckles clenched. “Were you bothering my girlfriend?” they demanded.

The other girl tilted her head with a dumbfounded expression on her face. “Huh? Oh, nah. I just thought she was cute.”

Misaki’s fist unraveled and they glanced back at Kanon. Her tears had dried up and now she seemed if anything, confused? She was blushing, too. So probably flattered. W-was that really all this was about? They let out a long sigh. Something heavy left their body like a ghost being exorcised.

* * *

“Fufu,” Chisato laughed as she poured herself a second cup of tea from the colorful ceramic kettle. “What an odd scenario.”

Misaki’s hand pressed against their forehead as sweat dripped from their bangs. “I-I mean, I’m glad things turned out fine. But I was scared out of my mind… What if it hadn’t been that easy? What if Masuki really did wanna hurt her? I don’t know if I would’ve made it out in one piece.”

Steam rose from Chisato’s cup. “I see.” Her demeanor up ‘til now had been alarmingly lax, but now her tone grew serious.

“I don’t know if I can keep dealing with those types of situations. I… I’m not strong enough.”

Chisato’s gaze grew stern, filled with longing and perhaps a bit of contempt mixed with concern. It pierced through Misaki’s heart like a bear’s claw. “I understand where you’re coming from, but don’t forget: Kanon is a strong girl. I know she appreciates you protecting her, but you don’t need to get yourself killed over it.”

A wave of shame washed over Misaki. “Y-yeah. You’re right.” Perhaps they’d brought it on themself for underestimating their own girlfriend. After all, she wasn’t just some defenseless princess. Kanon was the bravest person they knew. Her physical strength was no joke either after all the muscle she’d built up from drumming.

Chisato’s voice wandered off. “I do admire your devotion to her. Just take better care of yourself, please. I had my doubts at first, but you might be the one person I’d trust to take care of my dear sweet Kanon.”

Oh god oh god Misaki’s face was suddenly on fire. Steam flew out of their nostrils and they could feel their mind overheating. She really was too clever for them to handle. “T-thanks,” they barely managed to blurt out. They tried to cover their face with their hands, but they couldn’t block out the rare prideful grin Chisato slipped from across the table.

Now Chisato stared at the sky again. She was lost in her thoughts. Not calculating thoughts like Misaki expected of her, but nostalgic memories reignited. “Did I ever tell you about my first love?” she asked. It was a rhetorical question, they realized before she proceeded to recount the story aloud. Best they could do was lean in and listen carefully to the whole thing.

* * *

_ There’s two versions of this story. In the version I like to remember, we were at the middle school division of Hanaskigawa Girls’ Academy as we should have been -- I’m certain that would’ve been a happier place for both of us, as long as we had each other. _

_ But reality is never that sweet. We were at a co-ed school filled with just-barely teenage boys and teachers who weren’t equipped to deal with the influx of hormones possessing every student to misbehave. For me, an intense loneliness overtook my heart as I watched the other girls in my class look fondly at each other as friends are supposed to and live out their days laughing and smiling, not worrying about the expectations that bind them to society. The only acknowledgement they gave me were timid glances of admiration. That loneliness was accompanied by a line of hopeless boys desperately trying to win my attention. I never even gave them the time of day. They only cared because I was an actress, anyway. That’s all anyone seemed to care about. _

_ I’m glad one person didn’t recognize me.  _

_ Back then, she still thought of herself as a boy. Kanon was timid and clumsy, and just as bad with directions back then as she is now. She had short fluffy hair, a little bit of a mess even though she always tried to brush it down. We were in the same class and both loners for a while. Well, I wasn’t exactly a loner -- plenty of kids pretended to be my friend, but only Kanon actually saw me as a person. I felt a fondness for her like no one else. Remember how I said the way you look at me is different than everyone else? The same went for her. Anytime I noticed her face, there was always a hint of gratitude in her eyes.  _

_ I didn’t deserve that kind of thanks. I knew why she felt that way. She was shy and on the more effeminate side compared to boys our age, so she was an easy target for bullies. Kids are so cruel. They always tried to steal her belongings and hide them where she couldn’t find it. Sometimes they’d corner her in the hallways. Whenever I stepped in, they’d run. Of course, the popular girl steps in and suddenly their confidence dissolves. Eventually they just pretended Kanon didn’t exist because they were afraid they’d get on my bad side. Worthless and spineless, those children. _

_ One afternoon in our second year, the two of us were on the rooftop eating lunch together. A pleasant spring breeze swept through her hair and turned it even fluffier than it usually was. How cute, I thought. _

_ “You know, Chisato… I envy you.” For a second, I felt my gut tear apart and a sting in my heart. People were always saying that about me; that they envied my talent or my dedication or my popularity. I hated it more than anything, and I was terrified she was just the same. But instead, she said something I’d never expected. “Girls always get to look pretty or cute whenever they want. I-I wish I could be like that…” _

_ The air grew still. I wasn’t sure how to respond. Looking back, I’m not sure she even realized it yet when she said that. I’ll admit, I didn’t know much about the subject at the time. I met an actress a few years after who had transitioned, but that was later on. Even so, I could sense the wistful longing in her voice, and wanted to do whatever I could for her.  _

_ I stayed up until sunrise that night researching all sorts of things on the internet. There were many articles about ‘MTF’ women and ‘FTM’ men and people who were ‘X-gender’. I also learned about the dark side of things, the horrid, rampant mistreatment these people faced every single day. A lot of the articles were from more obscure sources that I probably wouldn’t have been allowed to search on a school computer or if my parents were just a little more watchful. I think… that’s when I knew something was wrong about our world. Even if I was already its victim, I had told myself it was my own fault. But… if kids like that exist all over the world and aren’t even allowed to know it themselves, isn’t that just cruel? I think I might have just passed out that morning from how angry I was over it… knowing my best friend, the person I loved, might have been denied that knowledge herself. _

_ A few days later, I finally worked up the nerve to show her. We had to go somewhere discrete, so we hid beneath a tree trunk’s shade in the park near our old school. I pulled up the articles on my phone and gave her some time to read through them. After a few hours, she handed back my phone and released a gentle sigh, “Fuee…” That might have been the first time I’d heard it. She’d sighed plenty of times before, but it was so distinct, so soft and earnest. “I… I’ve always admired girls. I-I’m sorry if that sounds weird! Just… When I see a pretty girl, I always think about how nice it must be, to be able to look like that.” _

_ I checked the battery on my phone and it was near dry. She’d really read through my research carefully. “It says here that you could, if you want to.” _

_ “Y-yeah…” I’m not sure what she was feeling at that moment. Maybe it was all too much to handle, maybe she needed time to absorb it. “I-I’m not sure, it might be what I am… I need to think about it.” _

_ “You know I wouldn’t judge you for being like that,” I assured her. She could only nod, emotionally exhausted from the avalanche of information she’d just read through. _

_ It took some time before she truly came out to me. “I wanna be a girl!” she said with a confidence I’d never seen from her. The satisfaction I had felt when we hugged after she found the courage to say it aloud eclipsed any sense of accomplishment I’d experienced as an actress. _

* * *

Misaki was left stunned, speechless. They eyed her with a faint suspicion, the kind of glance that says ‘why are you telling me this?’

“Do not worry. I’ve moved past those feelings. I am not trying to threaten you if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Though it calmed their nerves, it still left them uncertain. “What was the point of that, then?”

“Hmm.” Chisato covered her lip with one finger. “Perhaps I just felt like telling you?”

A lie, of course. Even if she was being more honest, this was still Chisato. They were certain they couldn’t trust every word that crosses her lips. They lowered their eyelids in doubt.

“Perhaps it’s strange to hear from me of all people. But there’s someone out there for whom you’d do anything to see smile, yes?”

The afternoon skies soon turned bright yellow as dusk approached. The garden was radiant in the evening, the flowers showered by shades of gold and amber. They realized the two of them should probably part ways soon. But it felt like between all the bouts of anxiety and shame, Misaki might’ve learned something from all of this. They’d been focusing so much on others as individuals... Perhaps it was time for them to think more about themself and the bonds they hold so dearly onto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i played around with how to handle chisato's flashback POV shift a bit, hopefully it's not too jarring. apologies if so though.


End file.
